there's an itch for change

i feel a re-design coming on. i have yet to get a photography page working in this layout. if i'm going to figure that out, i may as well start fresh. this was meant to be a transition from the month of a thousand photographs anyway. meant to be filler. never an intention to have meaty posts here. just fluff. and that's what's been given. t-shirts, cds and burritos. lots of photographs. perhaps i should move to a word-less website. pure photography, with the viewer left to guess what's going on in my life, my mind, my heart. i've never been a big one for soul-baring anyhow. even less now than before, it seems... but there was never a lot. of late i've done my best to keep my mind filled with clutter. the next big project, the most recent explosion at the office. the busier i can keep my mind, the less room for guilt over not spending enough time in prayer. the less room for sorting out questions and longings and convictions. stay busy, time goes by quickly that way. and before long all that was important has become forgeign. and i'm never sure where the turning point really was. i deny that to make things right, i need to do all the things i used to do... but do them harder. as if somewhere along the line i had things all straightened out, but i just wasn't determined enough. i wasn't dedicated enough. i didn't desire it enough. perhaps if i put forth just a little more effort...

but there is never effort enough. no amount of dedication, determination or desire is enough. there are things that cannot be earned. cannot be bought. cannot be won through hard work and persistence.

and in that, i find rest and relief.